--listen to the wind--

Deflated Balloon~

2012-02-19T21:50:00.004+08:00

It's another one of those days
Where I feel like I'm a deflated balloon
There's a hole in me
And no matter how much you try to blow air into me
I just can't seem to puff back up

So just leave me be
Deflated balloons aren't worth your effort

I Shouldn't Have

2012-02-18T09:13:00.001+08:00

After being the one to push you down
Causing you to fall and get hurt
How could I be so insensitive
As to complain about you walking too slow?

I'm am an idiot
I'm sorry

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The Undeserver~

2012-02-12T00:42:00.000+08:00

I don't even know why I can think of a story at such a time
But here goes

START
-------

There was once a little boy that broke his mum's vase
He was afraid
He tried to clean up before his mum found out
But his mum eventually found out anyways
His mum was upset
Not because her vase was broken
But because her son had kept a secret from her
And that he could have gotten hurt
It was a careless mistake
The little boy didn't break the vase intentionally
Nonetheless
He was at fault for breaking it

-------
END

Sounds like a stupid story?
Yeah
No point really

Sometimes we try to cover up our silly mistakes
Sometimes we try to show the best of ourselves
Sometimes we try to pretend somethings never happened
Sometimes we try to forgive and forget
But
Sometimes certain things seen cannot be unseen
Sometimes certain things heard cannot be unheard
Sometimes certain things broken can never be restored to its original state

Now

What have I done?

I can't save myself

Which Step Have You Reached Today?

2012-02-06T01:09:00.002+08:00

This image makes so much sense

I can't help but think about it

Which step am I at now?

Whichever it is

I'm moving to a higher place

The Four-Letter Word That Embraces It All~

2012-02-04T23:42:00.000+08:00

The world may be harsh and unforgiving
Slapping you in the face for the slightest mistakes
Laughing at you for not being "good enough"
Leaving you behind when you are no longer useful

But look again
When the world turns its back on you
Turn your back on them and look behind you
And there you'll find those that truly love you
That have always been supporting you when you bravely tried to conquer the world
They will always be behind you
Putting in their time, effort, resources and everything they can
Just so that they are of help to you
And with their love and support
We always renew our strength to once again face the world
And fight the battle - life - that we all have to fight

I'm truly grateful for the army I have behind me that's always helping me watch my back
Nothing is more precious
*LOVE*

CNY 2012

2012-01-31T00:00:00.000+08:00

Clara doesn't really dress in red

Clara doesn't really wear dresses to begin with

But CNY 2012 defied everything

It was great to have CNY lunch with the Ho family

We were all in red

How red is that?

Your dad's a great photographer

*cross heart*

CNY 2012 has came and (almost!) went

This year is the first year without my grandpa

(If memory serves, he probably didn't come to my house last year either, we visited him instead)

It feels warm inside to occasionally think about him

And to see his photo in grandma's room

CNY 2012 gives a very different feeling

To celebrate it with not one but two families

To eat as an entire family at the dinner table

To have conversations never really thought possible

To enjoy time together

Although meeting with distant relatives happens only once a year

But it's really worth pausing and appreciating that bond the ties us together

Cousin recently moved into their new house

They were the 3rd or 4th owners

Refurbished it and bought almost all new furniture

It was a very pleasant layout and design

Felt like home

And felt clean after clearing the old furniture

Just can't help but feel excited over what it is like to start with an empty house and to design it from scratch

Now that festive season is starting to dwindle away

And work is starting to pile up

I can't help but wish to sit back and hang out with my friends

After hearing that all of them are flying away these end of year

It's a little disheartening for me to be alone here yet exhilarating to know that they are all going to have such a blast in wherever they are heading to

2012 is going to be a awesome year

As long as we make it to be

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

The Reason For Crying~

2012-01-15T23:11:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure who has given this thought before
But why do people cry?

That day you told me you thought people only cried for 2 reasons
I remembered one was during funerals but can't remember the other

I gave it some thought

The first thing that sprung up to mind was that
People cry because they are sad
They cry during funerals
Cry when they lose something precious
Cry after a quarrel
Cry because they failed an exam

Other things that sprung up to mind next was perhaps
People cry when they are in pain
People cry when they are in fear or extreme shock
But other than all these negative feelings
I started to think about what I would like to call "Happy Tears"

People first cry when they are born
When they take their first breathe and enter this world
People cry when they are touched by the kindness, no matter how small, that will always exists
People cry during reunions
After not seeing a loved one for long periods of time

I also thought that people cry when they are thankful
When they reminisce about the past
When they recall all the good times they have had
And how it'd be a pity to ever lose em for good

And the number #1 of Happy Tears
Is when people are told they are loved
When someone tells them that they aren't alone
And that they will always be there to support them
To walk with them down the road called life
Those must be the happiest tears of all

This is why
Sometimes crying is not such a bad thing at all
Its an expression of humanity
So cry
It's great to feel alive

:')

The First Post of 2012~

2012-01-11T18:02:00.001+08:00

On 6 January 2012

Just before school began

3kgggg met up for a final slack around and bowling session

I wanted to post much much earlier

On the dot on New Years Day

Laziness got me

The year has started pretty well

Meeting with friends

Fulfilling to-dos

"Easy" start to school and what not

I've been very apprehensive about school

I imagined all the worst case scenarios

And how I'd deal with all the 'damage control' so it is called

And I realized you are right

How I ain't helping myself

How I'm giving up too easily

How I'm not making effort in things that should be doable

It scares me all the time

How you had this brief hesitation

Where you almost gave it a shot

And suddenly WHAM

You felt something

And you give up trying once again

There's just no end to it

I hate the way I am

But equally hate how much effort and courage it takes to change myself

I really want it simple

I know its not possible

The Last Post Of 2011~

2011-12-31T14:30:00.002+08:00

Last night in Seoul 23 Dec 2011

It snowed that night

Just for us perhaps ^^

Taken at 63 SkyArt

Having Lunch at Heyri Art Valley

Our Legendary Cheese Ramyeon

Pokey Christmas Celebration at Tampines Starbucks

25 Dec 2011

Wina Birthday Celebration at 2D1N Soju Bang

30 Dec 2011

It's been a month since I've written on this blog

It has been such a fulfilling and exciting month

The first thing I'd like to do is to give thanks

Thank the Lord for his protection and love

Thank our parents for their love and support

Thank our families for their blessings

Thank our friends for their awesome company

Results for Year 2 Semester 1 was expectedly disappointing

Both of us refused to check our results while in Korea

I'm glad that we decided to do that

For it definitely would have gotten me down

But what I've realized is that

No matter how hard you fall

You'd pick yourself up eventually

With some help from friends and family

And a little extra time

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Going to Korea in winter was a whole new experience

The ~~cool~~ cold air was so refreshing

It was my first winter trip

It was his first korea trip

And it was our first overseas trip together

(excluding the OCIP to Bohol)

What more could I ask for?

We ate quite a good deal of Korean food

We stayed in a typical Korean Apartment

Had awesome Korean breakfast

That seriously resembled dinner for its sumptuousness

Visited several lovely cafes

We learnt that we have similar styles of wanting everything planned out

Being prepared and fuss free during our stay there

I really enjoyed the hardcore planning with you

Thank you for spending all the time and money to visit Korea with me

12 - 24 December 2011

It was hell of a time there in Korea

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I was watching a Korean drama called Shining Legacy recently

It was about how a rich old lady wanted to give her inheritance to a total stranger instead of her family because they were all bums

My greatest take away from the show

Is how the grandma described the difference between a compassionate heart and a tender heart

A compassionate heart will feel sorry and pity for someone who is less fortunate but might not lend a helping hand

But a tender heart is someone who is unable to turn his or her back away from the less fortunate

To always extend a helping hand

And I ask myself

What has happened to my tender heart?

What has happened to our tender hearts?

Back in Korea

We passed be several old folks there

I was so impressed by how they were able to take the cold

And how they were still strong and healthy

Moving about freely during winter

And then

There were the street peddlers who stood out in the cold

Selling clothes, food and whatnot

I kind of felt sad for them

And can't help but wonder how their lives are

And now that I'm back in Singapore

It still bugs me and pains me whenever I see people selling tissue or begging for money

How many times have I walked away because I did not have loose change or was in a rush?

I need to find back my tender heart

We all should

--------------------------------------------------------------------

And towards the new year

I'm praying that we all put the bad times behind us

And start off fresh

With new hopes

And goals to work towards to

If 2012 were really to be the end of world

Lets make it count shall we?

^-^

The Level 5 Magikarp~

2011-11-26T02:28:00.005+08:00

Today I felt like the level 5 magikarp

That would never level up

Only capable of one attack

Always weak and vulnerable

Always needy of help and protection

You might have realized my reluctance to ask for help

You might have realized how stupid and stubborn I am when people give me advice

What can another do if one doesn't choose to help himself?

I'm sorry I was difficult

Not being able to self-help is really quite annoying

Nonetheless

I am extremely thankful for all the help extended

Without it

I will still be moaning and groaning now in a mess I might not be able to clear by tomorrow

And thanks to you

I'll still be able to make it in time with a few hours sleep

You were a great help

To your little pathetic level 5 magikarp

Have you had your I-don't-want-to-do-anything day?

2011-11-25T10:46:00.003+08:00

Photo by Carlos Gotay found on Tumblr

This picture really makes me feel like being there

Sitting in the fields

Just watching the clouds

Its not exactly a blue sunny day

But the mood is just right

2 papers down

2 more to go

Exam periods seem to be getting more and more slack for me

Explain to me ...

Why?

I clearly remember how Sem 1 was a express, non-stop train

Rushing all the way so as to reach my destination on time

Sem 2 slowed down a bit

With a little less enthusiasm

But still more urgency and anxiety

Sem 3 felt a little hopeless

"Damage Control" so I heard

What's Sem 4 going to be like???

After a reallllllllly long break from tv, dramas and all

(Although the occasional HIMYM, FRIENDS & BBT)

I haven't been up to my usual drama, flickr and tumblr

These things take hours

I sometimes wonder

If one can only indulge in such things when one lacks a social life

Has too much time to spare

Or simply feels like wasting away

Yesterday I felt like wasting away

I didn't deserve that much of a break

But I knew I could afford a few hours off

And so I did

When life - be it school or work - is already on the run all the time

With the rest of my time

I really just want to sit down for an hour or two

To absorb the atmosphere

To watch a drama

To go through photo albums

To listen to music

To read a book

Sometimes alone

Sometimes with a friend or family

Where everything comes to a slow pace

Where you consciously know - I'm still breathing

I want to do so many things

Just thinking about it is a mess

Yet I'm really struggling to have self-discipline

To split my time up

And to work with it

So that I can have 3/4 of a day running around like a crazy woman

And that 1/4 of the day left to recharge for the next day

I wonder if you feel the same too

Life may be a race

(against time?)

But I'm no athlete

And I have no intention to win

Time should be our friend and not our enemy

I simply want to go at my own pace

Going to whatever place it brings me to

The Bad Thoughts & Good Words~

2011-11-22T01:34:00.002+08:00

After my first horrid paper of Stats

I simply cant help but want to pour it all out

It started out fine with an easy question

I was writing at top speed so I thought I was doing fine

Until the difficult question came and threw me a little off balance

*recompose*

I just skipped to a question I could answer and moved on

Revisited the ones I didn't know how to do

Time wasn't on my side

And leaving a 17-mark question blank wasn't exact the best plan either

With 83 marks left to play with

I probably left half-questions all over the place

Threatening my hopes of pass-fail

And when I could barely even complete the sentence to a part that I might possibly be able to earn one more mark

*Times up! Pens down!*

I felt my heart drop

I didn't feel particular sad after the exam

If I did

I would have cried

I simply felt disappointed

Slightly fearful

Dreadful

I didn't know how else to feel

I wouldn't know how sad I am till the grades are out

Till then

There isn't a point brooding

I have other things to be concerned with

Spent the rest of the day in self-indulgence

Finding ways to distract myself

Cheer myself up

It worked

I had a great day

Destressed

And I just happened to wonder

If saying good words could make a difference

I might be filled with negative thoughts

Ill feelings and all

But if I kept speaking good words

Encouragements

Would it eventually help improve the negativity?

If I consciously resisted a sigh

Stop it in its path

And tell myself to try again

Or to take things one at a time

Would I be more motivated?

I think it's worth a try

What's to lose?

Post 620~

2011-11-13T01:01:00.003+08:00

My Retarded Friend BJFBSJTYQ

2 weeks have past since my last post

And during which the sem has ~~ended~~ almost ended!

One more make-up class this coming thursday

My last presentation of the sem and everything will finally be over

Working with my stats group for 4 gruelling weeks made me learn a couple of things

1. Even if you leech off people

There are still people that won't be calculative

Even still show concern and help you as long as you try

2. Being in the same deep shit helps us develop friendships pretty fast

You immediately see the true character of people

And whether you click

Then again, project work mates never stay around for long

3. There are really people who ask !?!??! questions

Nobody understands

Nobody has an answer

But its all part of the thinking process

All part of learning

4. Always be thankful for a functional project group

My schedule for the first half of 2012 has been set:

Week 1 to 7 - 3day week

Week 9 to 14 - 4day week

Once a week Japanese night class on Wednesdays

Thursday is my free day ^^

And I've officially relinquished my post in my CCA so i'm more free!

I however foresee gloomy days ahead

With 3 mods I believe will suck my blood dry

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A recent mini-addiction with pokemon

Now that I have grown up and know how to use the internet

I refer to all kinds of guides to play pokemon

Not that I was a very adventurous or advanced player when I was a kid

But I remember being more self-reliant

Being more experimental

Learning how to play by trial and error

Spending time to figure things out

Now with the convenience of the internet

With information overload

All I want is speed

All I want are answers to my problems a google search away

I can't help but wonder

If I could ever find back the me that was willing to try new things the good old way

Not always looking for success

Not always looking for the destination

But just appreciating the experience

Going through the whole motion of doing things

I'm aware of how I'm not adept in self-learning

Patience, determination and self-reliance are simply not my virtues

There are tons of tutorials on all kinds of things online

It may be a quick and easy introduction into something new

But I'd believe that

If one was really passionate about something

It'd be a whole load more fun to just fiddle around

Get to know whatever-it-is inside-out

Understand how it works

Discover new ways to do it

The next 2.5 weeks is going to be busy

Hang in there everybody!

'Food' and 'Love'~

2011-10-31T01:30:00.003+08:00

Our miniature bread basket creations!

Lots of joy making em

Thanks to AiClay

She is extremely talented (:

I've been meaning to write something about 'Food' and 'Love'

I find that food always bring people together

Even for strangers

Having a meal together

Creates so many opportunities for interaction

For idle chat

Everybody needs to eat

So no matter how busy

Mealtimes are when people spend time with each other

People love cooking for the ones they love

People who can't cook love buying food for the ones they love

Eating is life's simple pleasure

I get a warm fuzzy feeling whenever I see food and get reminded of someone

Be it friends or family

Feeling a little tug to buy it for them

I always like to talk about how my hamsters loved to eat tau gays

Occasionally I get reminded of how I used to put thought into what to buy for my grandpa to eat

Now I can only do the same for my family while they are still around

Eating is really a great joy

But what makes it truly enjoyable is the company

Happy Halloween everybody!

A Lesson on Humility and Repentance~

2011-10-24T00:15:00.005+08:00

Interestingly, I was able to keep awake throughout during church sermon today

Its shameful to say

But I get strong bouts of drowsiness after worship service most of the time

Once my butt touches the seat

My mind drifts away

Today was special

The pastor was over at our side at Tampines

Rather than at Woodlands

So we got to have a live sermon instead of by telecast

Todays message was about "Submitting to God"

And he shared several stories

And one of which was very simple and memorable

---------------

It was a rainy day

The son wanted to go out and play on the playground

The father said no

Saying that it was dangerous and that he could fall sick

And while the father was in the kitchen

The son sneaked out to play

When the father noticed his son was missing

He took an umbrella and went to the playground to find his son

Urging him to come quickly back home away from the rain

Willfully, the son refused and continued playing

The father could only watch his son and wait

And as expected

The son got into an accident as he lost his grip from playing with the monkeybar

Injured, the son cried out to his father for help

What did the father do?

The father quickly and lovingly went to help his son

---------------

In the same way

When we are prideful and choose to act in willful ways that are defiant to God

He allows us to be

He can only keep watch by our sides

But when we get into trouble

When we finally humble ourselves before God

And repent of our ways

He will lift us up and help us

---------------

In a nutshell

Its important to be humble

Its important to be repentant

Its important to listen to advice

We are all human

We all err

We all have weaknesses

But God gives us strength to overcome these weaknesses

As he reassures us that he will show us love and grace

Even though we might repeatedly sin

---------------

Not only towards God do we have to be humble

Even towards the ones we love we have to be humble

We need to know how to trust someone who knows better

We need to listen and not be stubborn

We need to admit fault when in the wrong and not always be self-righteous

Submission is not always an act of weakness

Its an act of love

The Thing About Stupid Things~

2011-10-19T00:59:00.003+08:00

Credit to 'WordsandLyrics'

When was the last time you did something stupid?

More often than not

I'd tell myself not to do stupid things

To save face

To not embarrass myself

To not risk failure

But sometimes

Its really the small stupid thing that make all the difference

Whether you managed to win the battle with your brain

And do something silly that you'll look back, smile and tell yourself:

"That was a stupid thing to do. But I'm glad I did it anyway"

The Joy of Being Family~

2011-10-18T00:45:00.004+08:00

One of the best photos of us that night

Thanks Andrew for the awesome photography

Last night was the 2nd family function I attended

It is always so thoughtful of them to arrange to pick me up and all

Always so nice for them to introduce me to their family

Telling me stories of his uncles, aunties and cousins

I really enjoy listening to them

Slowly growing to know and understand his family

His mum said to me "One thing I really like about this family is their love for people. Its very genuine. You can see it"

I can't help to agree more

A big, happy family

Very warm

Very loving

Very inviting

Thank you for inviting me!

---------------

It becomes a great joy and not a chore to be able to do something for another

Things you wouldn't do for yourself or would prefer not to do

But would do for another

Simple things really

Such as cooking a meal

Or doing the dishes

Things you wouldn't spend on yourself

But would spend on another

Such as expensive dessert

Or a hearty meal

There are certain things in life

That enhances the experience of a relationship

Things to do together

To eat together

ETC

Most things seem to require some amount of spending

And with increasing frequency

The spending can accumulate quite a bit

But those things are all 'extras'

It isn't what I demand of you

I don't count on always eating good food and having fun to enjoy spending time with you

Perhaps our spending habits differ

Give me time to adjust

Perhaps I'm too stingy or careful with money

Give me time to adjust

We'll work sometime out ^^

---------------

As I'd always say

"Don't fret the small stuff"

Post 615 - 14 October 2011

2011-10-15T02:14:00.005+08:00

I admit that there was something wrong with me today

First, I didn't have enough sleep and my eyes were hurting me all day

And next

A little screw-up caused me to fall into minor depression

Linking it up with all things possible

Making me feel quite stressed about everything

It almost felt like that a little crack in the wall was all it needed for my wall to collapse

That was how it felt

I didn't feel I had the confidence to mend the crack and support the wall anymore

It really felt too heavy for me to handle

Being around people who talked about work

Talked about grades

Talked as if they knew what they were doing

Talked about what future plans they have

Listening to them talk with such confidence and anticipation

Just wasn't helping me either

It made me freeze in fear

As it made me realized how clueless I was

How helpless I was in helping myself

That if I didn't cry out for help

I'd die a quiet and lonely death

I couldn't blame anything or anyone

Everyone was giving their best

And me

I was just wallowing in self-pity

And not making any extra effort whatsoever to make up for my shortfall

I didn't want my sadness and frustration to show

But i was feeling tired and irritable

And I simply couldn't keep still

I had to move to shake it all off

I did what I had to do and apologized

Though it would probably fail to suffice

What is past is past

Mistakes made

Lessons learnt

Tears fallen

Life continues

I'm terribly sorry if it misleaded you into thinking it was your fault

It had absolutely nothing to do with you

Nonetheless

I'm glad my day ended on a high note

It was a right choice inviting you over again

I just felt like sharing with you my past

Showing you what was "little me"

It was embarrassing and a little "show-off" in some sense

Considering mini me being much more adorable than my current state

And what made our little 'Sunday Late Night Movie' even more special

Was having dear mummy and sister watch with us

Reminiscing the old times

Times that I could barely recall

Scenes that I couldn't believe the girl in the video was me

Voices, laughter and squeals that no longer resemble anything like me

It was a very pleasant night

I hope everybody enjoyed themselves

---------------

Dear friends

If chance allows

Always remember to capture a photo or two

A video or two

With your friends and family

For when life gets tough in future

Those moments of joy momentarily forgotten

Can bring such peace and happiness to our hearts

As we look back together on the good ol' times

Giving us strength to embark on a new day

The Flop

2011-10-14T08:43:00.001+08:00

Nothing new really

.....

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The Prick

2011-10-12T10:14:00.001+08:00

If the Prick isn't removed from the heart
No matter how hard you try to ignore the pain
It will still be there
It will still hurt

How do you expect your heart to heal if you don't pull out the prick?

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Just Say, Don't Grouch~

2011-10-10T23:13:00.004+08:00

Yet another day where Dad was menopausal

A simple question such as "Do you know where the thermometer is"

That required a simple reply such as "I don't know"

Ended up with additional remarks resembling "You guys always like to move things and don't put it back blah blah blah blah blah"

I really don't see why such snide remarks has to said

Why a personal attack always has to made when the question wasn't meant to put fault on anybody

And then came episode 2

When you started grouching about how "How come you guys always move my things. Got your own things don't pack. Go and touch my things. The house so messy you guys don't want to pack. I put one thing only, you guys have to move it"

And the best part

He refused to say what thing was!

Ridiculous max

Talk about communication breakdown seriously

And honestly I sometimes feel guilty and pack up a bit

But nothing really satisfies him and he just likes to pick a fight out of stupid things that is none of his business

And guess what "the thing" was?

It was the I.C.E C.R.E.A.M S.C.O.O.P

How ridiculous!

Apparently he has been using it pretty often so he puts it outside with the utensils instead of in the drawer

And my grandma routinely puts it back into the drawer

That is "touching his things"

I hate his groundless accusations and exaggerations

All it took was to simply tell us and not grouch over something so trivial

Making us guess

Making life so uneasy and unhappy

Just last night

He told my mum off again for constantly forgetting to switch off the fan

I wouldn't deny that my mum is careless

But the manner which he reminds us is simply terrible

Even going on to say "you set a bad example"

And putting dishes in the sink unwashed or leaving them at a random corner of a room floor is setting a good example Dad!?

I could go on and on

But I really wish to curb my anger and displeasure

I wish to spit it out of my mouth and let bygones be bygones

I just hope that I can continue joking with my mum about how nonsensical he is

Praying that things do not grow out of proportion

That they will just maintain at a level where its still tolerable

I pray for understanding, patience and forgiveness

I'm not a saint

But I have got to try

Harder

Writing vs Blogging

2011-10-10T02:14:00.002+08:00

Just wrote my first entry in my Little Prince Notebook

It feels different holding a pen

Compared to typing on a keyboard

It feels different penning down my thoughts without the ability to press 'backspace'

The texture of the paper and just having something physical instead of digital is just what makes it special

And knowing that there is only one of it

Makes it feel really personal

It took me pretty long to write 3 pages

But it was really enjoyable

I do not know how sustainable will my writing be

I hope to be a little more successful than er-hmmm that has only written one entry in his

Since I already have what I want to write for my 2nd entry in mind

I realize

However mundane certain things can be

Routine as they can be

They are what puts a smile on our faces

And that is worth remembering

Worth celebrating

Worth putting down on pen and paper

To spend time to go through the motion of recalling precious moments

Recoding them down

And reliving them

What a Joke Seriously~

2011-10-09T23:30:00.004+08:00

This arrived in my mailbox at 11.16 on a Sunday night:

Dear students,

if you receive this e-mail, it means you had low or no participation in class so far... Please be aware that even if you did attend all classes, you may still face losing significant participation points due to participation issues... Maybe you can make an extra effort in the second half of the course!

Best Regards,

M K

Goodness Gracious

I knew this was happening and I do this in A.L.L my classes

But I really hate it when i'm being singled out (well with a few others perhaps)

I guess the realities of s mu still stays the same

If you have to talk, you have to talk

Or just pay the price

I'll opt for the easier option of posting in forums (perhaps!?)

But to be honest

I have no idea what is going on in there

Seriously

How come political science is easier than TWC?

This shouldn't be happening!

A Lovely Day with A Different Me~

2011-10-08T23:22:00.003+08:00

Would first like to extend my thanks to friends who have read my blog

And who have showed their concern over my grandpa

Its just really heartwarming for you guys to show me care and concern despite your busy schedules

---------------

Today was a rather interesting new experience for me

Attending a wedding dinner, lunch rather, in a very long time

Being invited randomly

At a rather late notice

And then panicking over what would be appropriate to wear

Did some last minute shopping

And bought something I'd hardly think I'd wear

(That ended up fitting me quite snugly)

Wore heels for a good half-day

And yet having no blisters except for tired feet

Thank you for inviting me

Thank you for shopping with me

Thank you for being patient with me

Thank you for introducing me to your family

Thank you for sharing with me stories

Thank you so much

---------------

I've been thinking rather hard lately about how I can do something special for my mum

I wouldn't say I'm doing this (totally) out of guilt

Because of how I've been out a bit too frequently lately etc

But also because I've seen how much she's done for me

Showing me concern whether I appreciate it or not

Helping me whenever I have a problem

Being extremely patient with my sometimes random irritability

Always staying up late just to see my face before sleeping and to warm up dinner for me

Being supportive and open of my relationship yet not being overly nosy

I wonder how I can thank her for bringing me up

Even until now

Even after I turn 21

She's still treating me so well and taking such great care of me

I wish to continue doing things for her too

Whatever I can to make her happy

---------------

And for some reason I've downloaded a very simple app lately

It comes with a single bible verse

And a bit of food for thought following the verse

Superbly simple to read

And a great way to start my day

Since I've come to realized how little effort I spent on God

And how sometimes my character is turning a little rotten

Just thought it'd be nice to intake more food for the soul

And hopefully my life would change for the better

Despicable me~

2011-10-05T00:17:00.003+08:00

On Sunday I went out to sea with my family

For a final goodbye to my gramps

I have never seen my uncle and his family so many days consecutively in my life

It was very comforting to see them go through all the christian ceremonies with us despite them being buddhist

How they tried so hard to sing along with the unfathomable chinese hymns

There was not much left of gramps physically

But now I have an additional reason to be staring at the sea

On Monday we celebrated somebody's birthday ^^

At the awesome ~~Hogwarts~~ Hogs Breath Cafe that was freaking 50% for all main courses since it was a Monday night

Had a good meet up with the rest

Lots of jokes and laughter

A small cake, birthday song, present and card

Hope you had a good one!

----------

Have you ever wondered if you were a difficult person?

I realize I could possibly be a difficult person

I'm sorry that I sometimes have unusual preferences that might be hard to accommodate

I'm also sorry if my childishness and stubbornness upsets you

I feel really stupid about what I did whenever i think back

Why couldn't I just let it pass?

Why couldn't I say with a loud and clear voice that I was being stupid and it was my fault

Please don't turn me into a brat and do as I wish

Just like how my sis always tells my mum - Stop doing things for her, she'll never learn!

I really need to be left out in the wild to fend for myself

I'm just so freaking dependent

I don't know why school is making me feel like I'm an aimless lost soul

How is it that I don't know what I'm doing

I'm screwing up without even knowing why

School policies, rules, requirements, whatever

Things about bidding, about mod combination, about internship, about exchange

All seem like such a huge headache to me

That the word "planning" doesn't seem to exist

I keep feeling that I'm not on par with my peers

They understand what they are interested in what they are learning

I'm just floating around passing time really

And it really doesn't feel too good when you are using your mother's hard earn money to be fooling around in school

I really dislike the idea that nowadays learning comes together with evaluation and competition

What we learn has to be tested on

What we are tested on has to be compared with other people

It just kills everything

----------

On a side note

Need to start on a eat-healthy diet to compensate for my lack of exercise

I can feel the blob in me

@_@

Closure~

2011-10-01T13:40:00.002+08:00

I've made some fuzzy observations these few days

About family

About relatives

About my grandma's church friends

About christianity

About funerals

About death

It was the first of such for a close family member

At the very most I have attended a wake

But I have not been through the whole process

It isn't very pleasant

And in my mind

I was just filled with thoughts that

One day

Everything will replay itself

With another loved one leaving me

And I'd probably be a whole lot sadder

But why worry

It isn't time yet

Yesterday was a long time since we had all 5 of us riding in the same car

And today it happened again

It was also the first time we ever had a meal together in a long time

Sitting at the same table

And I must say

We have never eaten at the chicken rice coffee shop itself before

Despite the umpteen number of times we've bought food back

(Other than your kind-of-offensive statement on thursday)

I noticed your unusual kindness and niceness

I appreciated it

Perhaps there was a bit of doubt in me about your sincerity

But I want this to continue

Would it?

It might not

I was just really happy and relieved to see how you were with us the whole time

That you were a part of us

(In contrast to the times you didn't walk with us, didn't sit with us, didn't eat with us etc)

It was nice when you offered to carry stuff

When you did what we needed help with

When you showed concern for my grandma when getting on and off the car

When you seemed more patient and less irritable with us when we were a little noisy

A significant decrease of complaints

More casual conversations that did not result in arguments

It felt nice and comfortable

It didn't put me on guard as always

Gramps is now in heaven

Whatever comes from dust shall return to dust

Many memories of him still remain with us

And memories of his life remains at his house

Would really wish to go back there some day and do a scavenger hunt

Its fun to know what your grandpa used to like and do and keep

A little pity I didn't find out more when he was still alive

Still too young I guess

Thanks gramps for having a lovely daughter like mummy

So that I am where I am today

Love you grandpa ~ 29 September 2011

2011-09-29T12:29:00.004+08:00

Not the best way to start the day

Not exactly a happy day

Realized how much of a crybaby I can be

Don't really have a very strong heart either

This day would come

And has finally come

Maybe I shouldn't be the person most upset

Maybe it should be my mum or grandma

But its just kind of hurts

Wouldn't say I have a lot of memories of you gramps

But you were always there since I was young

I remember seeing you every saturday when i went over to your house

Always sleeping on your mattress till late morning

Only to wake when granny shouted at you

Or when the heat finally made you uncomfortable

I'll always remember how you used to give me $4 every week

Not too much

Not too little

Just nice for a kid

To save some cash

To buy some snacks

I'll remember how

Once you woke up to find me crying over my 儿童歌 book that got soaked my by water bottle

You helped me dry the book

And then stick the pages back together

I'll remember how i visit you every saturday since you started staying at the home

Bringing you your favourite food and drinks

Seeing how you lazily eat using only your right hand

That you'll move your mouth to the straw instead of bringing your cup to yourself

How you always cheekily gave stupid answers to questions we asked you

And that lizardy tongue of yours that always stick out when we feed you food

Its been pretty worrying the past few weeks

Watching you lose your appetite

Even for your favourite foods

Only being able to drink

Not talking much

Always drowsy

Becoming only skin and bones

After visiting you last sunday

Feeding you your favourite root beer and finally hoaxing you to drink some soup

I was wondering this few days how you'd be when I see you again this saturday

I can't help but feel that my saturday mornings will feel very different from hereafter

Looking at the picture I took of you during Chinese New Year

I just really wished that you were healthier

And could enjoy your favourite foods as you always did

It was the least we could do for you gramps

Say hi to God for me in heaven ok gramps?

I wish they'd have laksa and sarsi there ^^

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27th September afternoon

2011-09-27T14:35:00.001+08:00

Everytime your heart dies a little inside, mine dies along with you.....

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It's gonna be a long long journey~

2011-09-27T01:22:00.001+08:00

何度喧嘩しても、必ず仲直りします。

アナタを信じます。

だから、安心して。

何も悩まないで、心配しないで。

頼りにしたいなら、私はここにいるよ。

Happy Birthday Jessica~

2011-09-26T00:22:00.003+08:00

Meet LOLcat

LOLcat is a bit of an exhibitionist

Has gorgeous marble-like eyes

Is a little on the plump side

And always has 2 guard dog friends by its side

LOLcat makes our walk home a little LOL-ier every single time

Thank God!

That you are finally feeling better and ~~regaining your usual~~ getting a even bigger appetite

I'm hoping that my gramps will start eating food again too

Perhaps starting from taking in more fluids

Many many many things have happened the past week

Things are happening at such a speed I cannot keep track of what's going on anymore

Why must everyday be such an adventure?

Why does my heart swing from desolation to ecstasy?

And from utter doubt to double assurance?

Where are things really heading?

Am I self-destructing or simply risk-taking?

What have I got to lose?

Or what do I have to gain?

Do I have what it takes to pull this through?

All the way?

Week 7 is creeping up

Everybody is busy with their mid-terms and all

I don't

Yet I don't feel like I'm doing the least bit to help myself

I need a push

A hard push

Even if that means falling hard

Beats remaining in a deadlock

P.S - Happy Birthday Jessica Tong!

So glad to finally meet up with you since graduation (:

The Invisible Limit

2011-09-19T20:18:00.001+08:00

I wish there was more I could do
More I could offer
But there exists between us an invisible limit
I'm sorry that there's only so much of me

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A Slow-Moving Weekend~

2011-09-18T22:39:00.006+08:00

Artwork by Audrey Chihiro Kawasaki

Kind of hard to come by an innocent piece of work by her

Not that her works aren't innocent

But look!

They are wearing clothes!

Ok nevermind

It was her Contribution for Sanrio's 50th Anniversary Extravaganza ^^

A piece that more resembles her style

This one is titled "My Little Secrets"

Another piece that resembles her style

Plus that little bit of nudity

This one is titled "Lili and Her Ghosts"

I have completed ~~reading~~ re-reading Paulo Coelho's "Like the Flowing River"

The stories that have spoken to my heart most I have shared

Most of em anyways

The first half of the book worked better for me than the second half did

Its a very simple book to read - short stories and all

I finished it in 3 sittings

This weekend was a very slow-moving one for me

I cleared a fair amount of accumulated work on saturday

Even found some time for reading my book

Which I found an immense luxury

(Intending to start/resume another book)

But ended up with an unbelievably unproductive sunday

The only consolation being that I went back to school to retrieve my artworks

They came back in whole pieces

Except for the fact that some came back with extra wrinkles and creases

I haven't quite found myself the answer about how to lead my life

If I look back into my past 600 posts

I'm sure there have been several deliberations about this

I ask myself:

(a) If I'm trying too hard to chase after the things I don't love but is "necessary" for me in life

(b) If I have enough courage and passion to chase after the things I love

Probably many other questions pop up but what's the point of listing everything down anyways huh

I'll just leave it be

We all know people who either

(a) Work hard and try to get A+ for every damn subject

(b) Do naturally well for some and heck care the rest

I never belonged to (a)

I can't manage a (b)

Even (c) seems like fairy tale

Therefore

I'm (d) For subjects I love, try to get an A but end up with a B and for subjects I hate, try to get a B but due to lack of effort risk getting a C

How I wish I could just heck care about everything I hate

But it just pricks my conscience

I have had people telling me that I don't have to do well in everything (especially in things I don't like)

Well guess what

I'm already not

Perhaps its a self-consolation mechanism I developed to feel less guilty about not trying hard enough

I wonder if all these ranting is doing me any good

Ok enough

Goodnight everybody (:

P.S. Please get well soon my dear byldddbappnhth!

Post 600~

2011-09-16T21:08:00.003+08:00

From Paulo Coelho's "Like the Flowing River"

I'd just like to share a ~~short~~ maybe not-so-short excerpt from

"The Prayer That I Forgot"

-----

Here is the prayer:

Lord, protect out doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES, and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. Ma our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way o praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grown-ups, and to children; it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. and in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.

Amen.

-----

Minus the religious bit
I really felt that this prayer speaks to our soul
And uplifts us
Hope you feel the same too!!

16 September Afternoon

2011-09-16T17:19:00.002+08:00

From Paulo Coelho's "Like the Flowing River"

I'd just like to share a ~~short~~ maybe not-so-short excerpt from

"A January Day in 2005"

-----

Today I have absolutely nothing that requires my attention.

I feel uneasy. Shouldn't I be doing something? Well, if I wanted to invent work, that wouldn't take much effort. We all have projects to develop, light bulbs to change, leaves to sweep, books to put away, computer files to organize. But how about just facing up to the void?

I put on a hat, thermal clothes, and a waterproof jacket and go out into the garden. That way, I should be able to withstand the cold for the next four or five hours. I sit down on the wet grass and start making a mental list of what is going through my head:

(a) I'm useless. Everyone else at the moment is busy, working hard.

Answer: I work hard too, sometimes twelve hours a day. Today I just happen to have nothing to do.

(b) I have no friends. Here I am, one of the most famous writers in the world, and I'm all alone; even the phone doesn't ring.

Answer: Of course I have friends, but they respect my need for solitude when I'm at the old mill in St Martin in France.

(c) I need to go and buy some glue.

Yes, I've just remembered that yesterday I ran out of glue. Why not jump in the car and go to the nearest town? And i stop at that thought. Why is it so difficult to stay as I am now, doing nothing?

A series of thoughts cross my mind: friends who worry about things that haven't yet happened; acquaintances who manage to fill every minute of their lives with tasks that seem to me absurd; senseless conversations; long telephone calls in which nothing of any importance is ever said; bosses who invent work in order to justify their jobs; officials who feel afraid because they have been given nothing important to do that day, which might mean that they are no longer useful; mothers who torment themselves because their children have gone out for the evening; students who torment themselves over their studies, over tests and exams.

I have a long, hard struggle with myself not to get up and go to the stationery shop to buy that glue. I experience terrible feelings of anxiety, but I am determined to stay here doing nothing, at least for a few hours. Gradually, the anxiety gives way to contemplation, and I start to listen to my soul. It has been longing to speak to me, but I'm always too busy.

The wind is still blowing very hard, and I know that it's cold and rainy, and that tomorrow I might perhaps need to buy some glue. I'm not doing anything, and yet I'm also doing the most important thing a man can do: I'm listening to what I needed to hear from myself.

-----

After class today
I had lunch with my friends as usual
And suddenly my mind went into void
The hot weather still bothered me
Increasing my discomfort
But I still managed to find myself a place where I allowed the wind to blow at my face
Where I simply stood still by myself to read

I didn't want to be contacted
I didn't want to be found
I wish the weather was a little cooler
I wish I could stay longer hadn't the sun keep shining on me

I had just a bit of time to spare today
Today is Friday
I kind of like Fridays
It used to be TGISF (Thank God Its Skating Fridays)
Its now becoming less true
But I still love Fridays
So I gave myself that little leeway to just doing nothing

Very soon
I have to pick up pace again

16 September morning

2011-09-16T08:50:00.001+08:00

I don't even wish to be here this morning

This will feel like the longest morning ever

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Pandora's Box

2011-09-16T01:21:00.002+08:00

From Paulo Coelho's "Like the Flowing River"

I'd just like to share a short excerpt from

"Pandora's Box"

-----

So, despite the fact that everything contradicts this, despite my sadness and my feelings of impotence, despite being almost convinced at this moment that nothing will ever get better, I cannot lose the one thing that keeps me alive: hope - that word treated with such irony by pseudo-intellectuals, who consider it a synonym of 'deceit'. That word, so manipulated by governments, who make promises they know they will not keep, and thus inflict even more wounds on people's hearts. That word that so often rises with us in the morning, gets sorely wounded as the day progresses, dies at nightfall, and is reborn with the new day.

-----

'Hope' is indeed an irony
But I like how it never dies
At the point where we think its gone forever
We will eventually still find a glimmer of it

Just like how things can only get better when you've hit rock bottom

どんなに辛くても、希望を持って生きて！

The Importance of Looking

2011-09-15T20:02:00.003+08:00

From Paulo Coelho's "Like the Flowing River"

I'd just like to share a short excerpt from

"The Importance of Looking"

-----

Looking at me hard, he concluded: 'Meetings. That was the mistake I made with you. Instead of just sending e-mails, I should have shown you that I'm made of flesh and blood. Once, when I failed to get a reply from a particular politician, I went and knocked on his door, and he said to me: "If you want something, you need to look the other person in the eye." Ever since then, that's what I've done, and I've had nothing but good results. You can have at your disposal all the means of communication in the world, but nothing, absolutely nothing, can replace looking someone in the eye.'

Needless to say, I accepted his proposal.

-----

Words can only do so much
And words seen behind a screen without the person saying it in view
Even more is lost

I'm very thankful for all the talks we had
For all the time we shared together just making each other a little more understanding about what is going through in our heads
That we don't simply assume things to be true
Only to find out that our memories or impressions sometimes play silly tricks on us
I'm glad that certain things were done face-to-face
That I could feel your touch and watch your gaze
They were important to me
Because that made me feel that you were real
That you were tangible
I would very much love for things to continue this way
Or get even better

Look me in the eye and I will look into yours
I won't pierce through your soul
I won't strip your heart bare
All I want to do is for you to feel how I do

:)

The Importance of a Degree~

2011-09-15T19:22:00.002+08:00

From Paulo Coelho's "Like the Flowing River"

I'd just like to share a short excerpt from

"The Importance of a Degree"

-----

Most of my friends, and most of my friends' children, also have degrees. That doesn't mean that they've managed to find the kind of work they wanted. Not at all. They went to university because someone, at a time when universities were important, said that, in order to rise in the world, you had to have a degree. And thus the world was deprived of some excellent gardeners, bakers, antique dealers, sculptors, and writers. Perhaps this is the moment to review the situation. Doctors, engineers, scientists, and lawyers need to go to university, but does everyone? I'll let these lines by Robert Frost provide the answer:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-----

If anything
My mum doesn't impose anything much on me in my life
2 things I felt were forced upon me was
#1 Maths tuition
#2 University

My mum always feels open and understanding
Giving me much liberty to go about my life as I wish
But when it came to #1 and #2
I felt a distinct change in tone
That assertiveness made me feel uncomfortable
I thought long and hard
I hated it
I resisted it
I asked many questions
But in the end i succumbed to her requests

#1 did me good alright
I ended up doing well for both A and E maths
As much as I hate the phrase "at this/that point in time"
I have to say it
At that point in time
Maths was probably important and played an important role in what would determine my tertiary education
Few years down the road and I realize I don't even know simple maths anymore
How important is maths now?
And considering I chose to go to poly instead of JC
And the nature of studies being drastically different
Did maths do me any good?
I do not know how to answer such a question
But anyhow
It is a stage I lived through that provided me hardship that I would remember by
Now that I have to face some mathematics again
I hope it won't prove to be too tough

I'm in the midst of stage #2 so I'm afraid to say it's too earlier to say what good it will bring me
My sis told me
That if there's a time to change
University is The Time
Whoever you meet
Whatever you learn
What kind of person you become
Might just as well be how you lead your life from then on
I have heard her say that I've changed in certain ways
And I take it in good faith
The fact that I eventually agreed to study in University itself was an indication that I was willing to open my arms to change and challenge
I really wish to make good of it

Personally
I wouldn't think too much of a degree
If I put myself in other people's shoes I might think it is important
But if the person in question is me I would beg to differ
To want a degree and to want to make good out of that degree
Means to have to be
To a certain extent
Competitive
Aggressive
Hungry
Ambitious
Perhaps out of laziness, fear or whatever
I don't wish to have those qualities
I rather have it easy
Perhaps then again
I've had life too easy to even have such thoughts
Is it so wrong to just want to do things I like to do
Without worrying about not doing well in things I do not like but still have to do
How tiring is that really?
And to simply pass it off as "realities of life" is also frustrating
Are the "realities of life" that potent that we no longer have any volition whatsoever?

Still a long way to go~~~~~

Memory (Or the lack of it)~

2011-09-15T00:01:00.002+08:00

It has come to my attention

That my memory is horrid

I hope I'm not getting influenced by er-hmmm

2 people with bad memory getting together isn't exactly the best idea

Back at 2 fat men with Pokey

I couldn't remember teachers who taught me

Their names, what they taught, their faces

Its as if that part of life gradually stopped existing even in my dormant memories

Were they unimportant to me?

Or is it simply because too long a time has past?

I can't put things in chronological order even for things that happened recently

I don't know if it is a sign that I should blog more

But blogging has its limits :/

Another way is to start the old-fashion style of writing a diary

A task to start this end of year maybe?

When Pokey meets BYL~

2011-09-12T23:16:00.003+08:00

To commemorate the day where Pokey wanted to surprise Addy

But everybody else got surprised instead

I have learnt a few things about myself lately:

1. As much as readings can be painfully tedious

If its a fun topic

If its something I like to read

It always ends up being bearable

But for things I don't like

The mental block is pretty strong

And the simplest things find no resting place in my head

I can read over and over and I won't understand even "1+1=2"

2. Sometimes 3分钟热度 gets you into certain situations where you thought you will enjoy

And when things start to get serious or hectic

You start to doubt your choice

But its going through the entire process

That you learn to handle things from start to end

The easy parts

The not-so-easy parts

And seeing things through really does feel good

You felt like you were part of something

And that the result doesn't have to be fabulous

But everyone involved would have taken away something precious from it

3. When I have problems deciding something, seeking help or doing something

Someone who loves me always seems to come along and give me a push or helping hand

Maybe I've been kind of lucky all these while?

But I won't be lucky all the time will I?

I always struggle hard to resist, buy time, argue, whatever

But always end up having to do it

Whatever "it" is

And ~~sometimes~~ most of the time it turns out that it was for my own good after all

(I don't know why I like to kill myself so much)

4. Friends always give you support no matter how much they laugh/tease/disturb you

Thank you everyone who has just got "the news" and said nice things to me that made me smile

Its especially nice to read some of your "extra comments"

They were interesting insights *wink*

It's time to get rollin'!

My Horoscope speaks the truth once in a while

2011-09-12T13:32:00.002+08:00

My Horoscope yesterday says:

Pleasant first impressions

This is one of the most favorable influences for personal relationships. You can readily express your love and affection, and others are likely to show their affection for you. Seek the company of others, because you are in a sociable frame of mind today. Today is also a good time to resolve any problems in your personal relationships. You will be able to discuss any tensions that exist without difficulty, assuring your loved one that your love is sincere. This is also a day when you may meet a new lover or friend. It is a good time for any necessary new encounters because the environment favors pleasant first impressions.

WELL

Just happy that it is spot on once in a while

Happy 21st Birthday Addy!!!